I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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