I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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