She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Did I show you my penis last night?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
