I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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