ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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