Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
