Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
