So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
