Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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