i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I wear drunk well.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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