I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
