A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
