Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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