i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
