Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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