you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
