i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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