Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
