So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Randomize
