No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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