i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
