You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
