a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
