My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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