you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
