all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
