Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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