I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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