i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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