i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just found puke in my bra..
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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