??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
