I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
