Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
