why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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