I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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