You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
