Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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