Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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