i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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