I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
