so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
