I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
