someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
