Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
