shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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