i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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