My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
