Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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