Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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