Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I wear drunk well.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
