Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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