have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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