I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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