Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
