I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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